I wondered why I felt so sad, and then I remembered that it’s Christmas eve.

Except for New Years Eve, I dread holidays for reasons I don’t even know. I just feel even lonelier than usual with all of the festivities.  Last year’s cheerful holiday found me sifting through old cards from friends lost over time and clearing out the drawers in my room. This year was no exception.  I said goodbye to another book character today. I really liked the Hunger Games.  But now that I’m done, I jealously bid Katniss farewell as she carries on her fate. No matter what, life goes on.  And luckily, she finds someone to stay by her side through the rest of hers. 

Meanwhile, my thoughts won’t stop clouding with doubt and I feel so worthless, so insignificant. I don’t mind it, but I still wish I knew why I’ve been working so hard to live. Maybe it’s just the sad asian drama music that’s been droning on from the living room all night, but i feel so lifeless and alone. What have I accomplished so far in the last 19 years of my life? And when will I no longer have to face the music alone? I hate to admit it, but I can only live through someone else. Urgh, so much complaining.  

Thing is, I keep hoping for better days, and yet I fear that they don’t exist. What if living is futile? What if I contribute nothing to worldly progress? 

I guess the only real thing I truly desire is love. It might even be my life’s purpose. I want to feel every kind of love that exists. Especially the kind that burns and reminds people that they are alive. But unlike happiness, love is not something you go out looking for. Love is something you wait to find you. Then, when it alights on your shoulder, you make sure you catch it and never let it go.  All in due time.

…I’m going to go watch TV. Merry Christmas.