Recently, I’ve completely forgotten myself.  But rereading all of my past tumblr posts has helped tremendously.  I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had the chance to pay attention to my internal self. And as you can very well tell from this disjointed array of words, my creativity as a writer has seen better days. However, my past posts have consoled me nonetheless.

Truth be told, my life is actually full of interesting events right now.  My jazz combo is finally performing in our first gig this saturday and the prospect of reaching out to new people has been a constant source of excitement. However, for reasons I can’t explain, i’ve been feeling an underlying apathy underneath these course of events.  In fact, my current life is just permeated with vague disinterest and the sad part is-I don’t have anything else I’d rather be doing.

I attribute part of this detachment to Sam.  I’d seen him around campus before but I officially spoke to him at the Shiva Rave a few weeks ago.  He asked me to go home with him and I hesitated at which point he told me that he was in an open relationship and that we would have no strings attached. The next week, we started texting each other and meeting up for lunch/studying. After some discussion we agreed that we would continue things as they were.  But as Sam nears graduation, I grow more and more ambivalent about our strange friend/romantic relationship.  Will I be as jaded when I’m a senior? To think that open relationships are worthwhile?  How can you be in love without exclusivity? If you were in love, wouldn’t you want to be exclusive? And what am I doing settling for something between a hookup and a friendship when I could be spending my time with someone who actually cares?  

Curiosity, that’s what.  That and disappointment.  

I won’t find love in college.  And I’d be stupid to try.